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We guarantee you won't find these jokes on any other Webpage...mainly because most people only use good jokes.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well ... they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. "Nah, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." he says.
A regular walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?" "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I started on Monday!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they PAY me too?"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be quiet!" snapped the officer. "or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, all I wanted to say...." "You just don't listen, do you? Well, you're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checks up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called out, "What've you got in your truck, mister?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector." he replies To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career." "Well, he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, Life isn't worth living. "Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, do you do for a living?" "I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
There's a famous fable concerning a skunk, a lion and a hawk who were debating as to which one was the most dangerous and feared animal in the jungle. The hawk claimed top dog: "I win because I hit 'em from above, and from above, I have the best view of all. I can see things nobody else can!" The lion rejoined: "Nonsense! I'm the most powerful animal of all, with the longest, sharpest teeth and claws. I'm the most dangerous, for sure!" Then the skunk said: "I can stink up the whole jungle and run out every man or beast in the territory." And so they argued, on and on, until a big old bear came along and swallowed the three of them, Hawk, Lion and Stinker!
I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club. "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive." "Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."
Sally told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking."
"I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind." - Steve Allen
A nun, a Priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a Rabbi, and a blonde all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Old Joe walked into a bar and began ordering martini after martini. After each drink he removed the olives and placed them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Joe got up to leave. "S'cuse me," said the bartender, "What was that all about?" "Oh well," answered Joe, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." |
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