On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

by Linda Gasspewer

What advice does an Oscar-winning movie director have for people who want to improve their home videos? Some deep thoughts?  Life changing words of wisdom? Hardly.

If you're hoping to make a few bucks blackmailing relatives and friends, or if your home videos are all staged productions, then his advice will serve you well.

I took Frank to lunch at Denny's. I called him Frank the whole night and it irritated him greatly. That was the most satisfying thing about this interview. It was obvious that he wasn't going to be much help from the outset, I think the tightwad multimillionaire just wanted a free lunch.

Anyway, it was obvious that he had little experience when it came to filming good home videos. He talked about budgeting and casting, locations and handling thousands of extras.

"We're talking about mom and pop filming little Johnny at the park here Franko." I said, tapping my fork on the plate to make sure he was listening.

"That's what I'm talking about to..." He said, stunned I didn't understand. "When the old lady and I take our kid down to the zoo, we rent it for the day, close it off to everyone but the extra's we've hired...and then we bring in the camera crew...isn't that what everyone does?"

My long drawn out "No-o-o-o" had little effect.

"If you aren't going to make a movie worthy of accolades from your contemporaries...why would you make one?" He asked. "I mean, the first home video I made with my kid showed him saving the life of a baby - it was a doll - that had fallen into a rabid chimpanzee pit..."

A portion of the omelet I was eating fell out of my mouth, or I might not have known I was staring at him with my mouth ajar. "Haven't you ever just filmed your kid playing in the backyard?" I asked, picking up the chunk of food on my lap and putting it back on my plate.

"Well...no." He replied, his eyes shifting. "That's the butler's job."

OK...now we were getting somewhere. "What advice would you give your butler?"

"Don't break the camera or your fired." He said. "That's my first bit of advice."

I made a rolling motion with my hand, signaling him to continue as I crammed half a piece of toast in my mouth. I was a bit perturbed, also very hungry. When you get assignments where you are actually allowed to eat while you interview, you have to take full advantage of it. I hadn't eaten all day.

He then said something which made sense, at first. "You need to think through all scenes you are shooting." I scribbled that down as he spoke. "What message are you trying to convey? What emotion are you trying to invoke in the viewer? Think of yourself as not some bumbling parent shooting a home video, but as an artist with a political and social agenda to get across to the viewer."

He then laughed and shook his head. "The worst...I mean the worst, is to have to shoot and re-shoot and re-shoot scenes for our home videos when some rank amateur screws up his lines.  Some can't even read cue-cards right...or don't place proper emphasis on key words...what a nightmare."

I had to continually dig to find something useful for home video enthusiasts to take away from this article, but he did include a few good ideas. Unfortunately, you had to shovel a lot of crap out of the way to find them.

One such gem, hidden in the muck, was to take a minute before you shoot to think about the images that will best convey the simple theme you have in mind. I asked for an example, which was a mistake.

"Well, let's say you always thought Uncle Ernie was a slob...position yourself to show his big belly as he scarfs down food, show a close-up which illustrates the sickness of his gluttony and later, while editing, add narrative about the number of starving children and how the food wasted on Uncle Ernie could feed those third world kids..." He said. "I'd keep the film rolling until I caught him belching rudely...then use that as an exclamation point."

He then went off on a rant about doing an expose on your family, trying to catch people in compromising situations. "Remember, editing is a wonderful thing. Let's say for example Uncle Ben, who refused to loan you money, calls his sister-in-law, Aunt Irma, in to the living room to see what her baby is up to...who cares how cute that is...you use stock footage with dubbed in narration asking if anyone's seen Aunt Irma...then you insert a clip of him with his hand on her shoulder in the living room...with narration like, 'oops, sorry you two, seems I keep catching you at all the wrong times - your secret is safe with me.'" He laughed wryly. "Then you give Uncle Ben a preview of the film right before you ask again for the loan...hey, how do I think I get funding for my movies?"

By this time, people at all the tables around were eavesdropping and the looks of disgust had long since replaced the shocked face of sitting so close to someone famous. They probably recognized Frank too.

Next, he spoke of the importance of high quality audio. "I realize it's not always easy to take a sound crew with you, I recommend that, but when you can't...don't rely on the camera's mike to pick up audo. They're shotgun mikes...they pick up sound from all over equally. If you rent the theme park for the day - like we did when we filmed our home video 'Hell at Disneyland III' - then you can control external sounds. If you're just filming at the family reunions, you have the extra sounds that screw everything up, like someone's sickening laugh...you may not even notice it at the time." He said. "When it comes time to edit...you have this hideous guffaw echoing and you can't eliminate it...but you do have options."

I had been wondering for some time whether he was going to eat that second egg, wondering how I might ask for it without sounding like the starving writer that I am, when he took his fork and broke the yoke, then used the fork with egg yoke like a quill and ink bottle, sketching his design for a home made, overhead microphone. So much for that egg.

"You just tape or attach the microphone to a long stick, however it works for you, then hold the microphone on a stick over the head of the subject speaking out of the camera's view." He said, sliding his illustration toward me. "Like that. Works like a charm."

He then discussed the final editing stages. "It's always recommended that you try to find an original score to use for the soundtrack in a movie, but it's not always possible and sometimes, existing songs work well. I don't suppose everyone can have Diana Ross and the Supremes sing live on their home video, the schedules don't always mesh..."

No, probably not, Franko.

Was the interview a waste of time? Being a professional writer used to dealing with nitwits, I did manage to get a few good tips a home video enthusiast can use to improve their movies. But at least I got a free meal out of the deal.

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