On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

By Dirk Kilroy
Card Designer

(Ed. Note: Not to insult Dirk, he gets that enough everywhere else, but these sound awfully familiar...like maybe I'd gotten them forwarded to me as e-mails a hundred times? Still, they're funny, so we'll let it slide.)

Professional jealousy. It’s one of the ugliest ailments known to mankind. I have been the victim of it far too often.

We all have our crosses to bear, I know that. Mine just happens to be creative brilliance, the kind which brings out an evil inducing envy in others. I can live with that. But recently, it lead to the rejection of some of the best ideas that have ever been forwarded to a greeting card company and it’s you, the card buyer who suffers.

I’ll be monitoring this company closely, and you can help. If you see any cards with similar contents to these I’m about to describe – the cards these fools rejected - send me an e-mail here at Wizard’s World News and let me know!

1. On the front of this card, happy people were pictured standing around a retirement cake at your average office. It read, “Congratulations on your retirement…” On the inside, in big red letters, it read: “We’re glad to get rid of you. We all hated your guts.”

2. Graduation from high school is a big step in a youngster's life. It's difficult for parents to find the right words to a young man...until I came along. On the front, the typical fancy-shmancy "congratulations" along with the hat and diploma...on the inside, it gets to the point. "Son...you've graduated high school. You're a man now. Pick up your clothes off the front lawn and get the hell out of here."

3. When someone you love is going under the knife, whether it’s a parent or a grandparent, there is a flood of emotions that rush through your head. Above all is one question…and that question led to the formation of this card. Again, the front of the card is the appropriate floral arrangement with “Get well soon” scribbled across it. Inside, the card cuts to the chase. “When I heard about the operation, I just had to wonder…am I in your will?"

4. We all send cards to people we love, but how about a card to those we’re thankful we lost? On the front of the card was the scenic view of the ocean, a man sitting there reflecting his life…the cover says, “Thinking of you”. Inside, the reader can learn just how you feel. “With the dawn of each new day, I find myself taking a few moments to think how lucky I am you aren’t here to ruin it for me.”

5. Another business congratulations card, this time acknowledging a fellow employees career advancement. The cover read, “Congratulations on your promotion.” Inside was a picture that described the words written: “Before you go though, would mind removing your knife from my back? I’m sure you’ll use it again.”

6. This card dealt with the end of a relationship, never an easy subject to deal with, especially in the form of a Christmas Card, which is why I thought this one was particularly good. On the cover, it showed a country church, a light snowfall and a beautiful landscape. “The holidays are meant to be spent with family…” Inside, the card said, “Too bad I’m moving in with my sister and me and the kids won’t be here you two-timing skumbag!”

7. The birth of a child is always a special occasion. But I’ve yet to find an appropriate card for the illegitimate birth. “Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Let us know when you get the DNA test back and figure out who the father is, we’ll send him a card too!”

I know, it’s hard to believe these cards were rejected. Keep your eyes open, and let me know if you see a card. I’ll be filing a lawsuit if they steal my great ideas.

BACK