On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

It's every where...pigeon poop...and so are they. They've taken over the island of Guahara, near Tihjuaja. It's a health threat in more ways than one.

"The bacteria, the germs, yeah that's a problem." Said Governor Julio Shajahr. "But their becoming mean. Something ain't right with those birds."

Jester World News dispatched a photojournalist to the scene, Mike Rowlens, only to have him assaulted and his camera broken by an angry Guaharan.

"All I did is ask if it was fun scoopin' pigeon poop off his windshield every morning." Rowlens said, distraught over the incident that left him with a severely scratched ear lobe. "I was telling him we have to do this on winter mornings, only it's snow not pigeon crap...next thing I know, he's slugged me."

The Chief General of Health and Safety, Marlah Perello, said the poop is unsightly, but so far, thanks to her public relations and education campaign, no one has been hospitalized. "I tell them every day on radio and newspapers to get the garden hose and spray everywhere, to water down the poop. It will not only break down the bacteria, but if it washes onto the neighbor's lawn, it's a great fertilizer."

"Marlah, she always sees the bright side." Governor Shajahr said. "Like when we had that outbreak of the Croops, Marlah was able to spin it to make people feel good. She said the sickness would mean fewer fat people on the beaches. It made us all think maybe there is some good even in the bad."

But what's causing the pigeons to flock to the island? Experts believe they have been blown off course and confused, landing wherever they can. One scientist thinks the shock waves from the Concorde is to blame. A report in New Scientist magazine reports that pigeons have a built in compass that allows them to navigate using the Earth's magnetic field and sun as a guide. The Concorde, the scientist believes, has caused an imbalance that has left the pigeons with no idea which way to go.

Being out of their natural environment has not been good for the pigeon. "They're hungry, they started to attack a couple old ladies in the park." The elderly ladies had been out for a walk, stopped to rest on the benches, and were the apparent victims of a flock of blood thirsty pigeons.

"We can't be sure...sometimes the old people...you know." The Governor said, pointing to his temple, twirling his index finger in a circle. "Nobody else has reported an actual attack...but some people say the birds stare at them and it makes them feel like they're being stalked."

As a precaution, the Governor has called in the Guahara National Guard and they are armed to the teeth. "The last time this many of them had guns, they tried to take over the island and their mothers had to be come down and get them." He said. "We're hoping that doesn't happen."

BACK