On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

Brent Mussburger is an icon in the annals of sports broadcasting and we're very proud to have him on our team. With his new "surfs up" doo, Musburger tackles another season with all the vigor of a teenager looking to pop his first pimple. Each Tuesday throughout the season, ABC's Brent Musburger will give his five things to watch for the coming weekend.

1. Florida State eyes the No. 1 spot in the polls

Bobby Bowden has led the 'Noles to 13 straight 10-win seasons. If I was a woman I'd be madly in love with him. Who could resist that bumblers appearance and that sappy southern drawl?

Saturday night, the Seminoles invade Georgia Tech, and this is a Ramblin' Wreck team without Jukin' Joe Hamilton, as I refer to him in conversations around the water cooler here at ABC. East of the Mississippi is where they play real football. Nowhere do they play it better than Georgia Tech. Great atmosphere for college football, great fans and darn good hotdogs.

It should be a great game. The 'Noles will be keeping a close eye on Nebraska at Notre Dame, and if the Irish leprechauns keep it close against the Cornhuskers, the 'Noles will make their first argument for that top spot in the polls.

Make no mistake about Bobby Bowden in this situation -- if he has a chance to move to No. 1, he'll go for it. Most coaches would turn it down, call all writers who vote in the AP poll and request that some other team move up. Not Bowden.

Prior to every season, Bowden's main goal at Florida State is to win the national championship. All other coaches hope they can scab out and win one or two games...not Bowden. He dreams big, and he eats big too.

Let's all pray for an Irish victory over the Cornhuskers.

2. Is the Pac-10 back?

We'll all be watching four games carefully, especially me with my keen analytical abilities and uncanny gift for identifying those plays which would make a good instant replays.

Oregon at Wisconsin: Oregon goes on the road to face suspension-troubled Wisconsin, and because of Cletegate, the Ducks have a chance to make this one real interesting. Oregon is a team on the rise...and like I always say, you can't keep a good duck down...get it?  If I wasn't a great broadcaster, I'd be one hell of a comedian. I can think of one liners all day long.

I never know who to cheer for in these games. Here at ABC, we're the Big 10's most relentless advocate, hoping that they'll be playing in the BCS championships so we can rake in the dough. We'll do our part to see that somebody from the Big 10 or the Pac-10 is #1 because it's in our best financial interest since we have the Rose Bowl. And let's face it, that's what makes this a great game.

Miami at Washington: The experts are saying the 'Canes are back, I say they're good but the real test when they line up against the favorite in the East - at least mine - Boston College. No smash mouth football here, just the game the way it was meant to be seen on television - little defense and lots of offense to keep the game moving. Miami and Washington are both highly penalized teams, and I like games with lots of penalties because it gives fans ample opportunity to bare witness to my grasp of statistics and laser like wit.

It will be a chance for Marques "Tupac" Tuiasosopo to showcase his ability. (You may have noticed that others have decided to follow my lead and use catchy knicknames for players. I don't mind, imitation is the most sincere form of flatulance.)

Colorado at USC: Southern California's performance against Penn State seemed very impressive - God knows I jumped on that bandwagon - until the Nitwit Nittany Lions got trounced by Toledo in one of the most sickening displays of football I've ever seen. I wrote to the Big 10 Commissioner personally and requested that Penn State be booted from the league. How can we unbiased journalists at ABC take to the airwaves and promote the Big 10 with teams like Penn State in the league? It makes our jobs very difficult.

Ohio State visits Arizona in the desert: The Buckeyes - America's team - and John Cooper will try to come back from their humiliation of a year ago. Talk about a lame excuse for a football team - that's the Buckeyes. Are they any better this year?  They better be with an albatross like Penn State in the league.

I spoke with Buckeye coach John Cooper and he says he did some serious soul searching in the off-season. "John Cooper took a look at John Cooper," John Cooper said. "John Cooper is a great man, hell a living legend, and John Cooper needed to dig deep in John Cooper's soul to find that which makes John Cooper great."

This will be no easy game for the Buckeyes. The Wildcats were very impressive last week as they upset a powerful Utah team in front of a hostile Mormon crowd. If the Pac-10 can win just half of the games they play this week, they've almost matched the total number victories for all of last season.

3. How good is Michigan?

Quarterback John Navarre looks like the second coming of John Elway. Not everyone can throw for almost 200 yards against Bowling Green. There are a few teams out there that can't, some in Division I. This week, the Wolverines host a tremendously talented but grossly underrated Rice. Noone can say there are any easy games on Michigan's schedule.

4. Louisiana-Lafayette at Texas

I don't think it's going to be a close game, but I am eager to find out how Mack Brown handles the quarterback situation. Will he split the time between Major Applewhite and Chris Simms? Will he wear a burnt orange sweater or a team polo shirt? Who will be dragging his headset cord around the sidelines this week?  As you know, Mack the Knife had to suspend his veteran cord dragger Marty Dun after Mac was pulled to the ground and drug several feet when Dun attacked the towel boy. Mack missed the play and received turf burns to his temple. The Texas cord dragger assaulting the team towel boy during a game is just more proof that the Big 12 is an over-rated conference filled with criminals, unlike the Big 10.

5. Georgia at South Carolina

Two great teams going head to head, what's better in college football other than the Big 10 game of the week on ABC?

Lou Holtz may be older than most of the trees in South Carolina, but his team finally won a game against New Mexico State, the punching bag of Division I, and that put a bounce in the arthritic steps of Holt, who finally showed up for a post game press conference. If Lou could line his schedule with New Mexico State's, he'd be set.

But Georgia, an east coast powerhouse, is a formidable foe. They're offense usually gains more yards than their defense allows, which I've found helps your team win. East coast teams even fumble with great flair...the ball seems to bounce more...many including myself credit the east coast style of play for this. Georgia is a good example. What a game it will be.

College football is in the air, so is the pollen but I'll do my best not to complain too much during the broadcast this weekend, and I'll try to remember to hit the "off-mike" button before blowing my nose this time.

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