On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

The search continues for the group responsible for the kidnapping and torture of Mr. Potato Head, the life-size sculpture which once stood proud in front of the Providence Journal newspaper building.

Police Captain Earl Scranton was visibly shaken as he spoke to reporters outside city hall. "I tell you, it's one of those crimes you just can't understand - you think will never happen here and then - oh boy..."

Mr. Potato Head was kidnapped sometime between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. Saturday. A call was received at approximately 5:30 a.m. by a dispatcher who said the caller identified himself only as "The Peeler", and that Mr. Potato Head needed to be destroyed.

Captain Scranton said Providence police have been working with the FBI on two leads. "We have it narrowed down to two groups which are capable of this sort of crime." Captain Scranton said. "The Anti-Tater League and the State of Idaho."

Unsubstantiated rumors have been flying since the kidnapping occurred that the Anti-Tater League may be involved...but the crowd gasped when the state of Idaho was mentioned as being a suspect in the crime.

"We've long proclaimed ourselves to be the potato capital of America. Well, the folks in Idaho have been disputing that." Captain Scranton explained. "They pride themselves on their potatoes...what else have they got?"

Captain Scranton said the anonymous tipster told him the state of Idaho used the kidnapping and assault as a means of warning Rhode Island leaders that they meant business. "It does tie in with the note we found beside Mr. Potato Head when he was discovered in the park, which said something to the effect that we ought to consider raising rutabagas before somebody really gets hurt."

Idaho officials say it's ridiculous to think they would be involved in such a heinous crime. "Mr. Potato Head is revered here in Idaho...that's blasphemy to think we'd do something like that." A spokesman for the Governor of Idaho said.

The Anti-Tater League also has denied involvement in the incident. The group has protested the statue many times on spiritual grounds, saying they believe potatoes have eyes, therefore the vegetable also has a soul and shouldn't be relegated to toy status.

For now, the investigation continues. Sculptors expect Mr. Potato Head to make a full recovery.

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