On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

McCain Humbly Admits Errors of His Ways Tom Brokaw Graciously Accepts Apology on Behalf of Media by Buck Bilkley

Senator John McCain did the unthinkable, at least for a right wing politician in this day and age...he dared appear on NBC news with Tom Brokaw and admit that he lied through his teeth during a campaign.

Brokaw didn't make it easy for McCain, grilling him mercilessly like a greasy burger at the Snack Shack.

This is a problem that the media has long known has existed within the Republican party. Democrats, at least so far, have never strayed from the truth during a campaign.

"I wouldn't say they've never lied." Brokaw responded in our telephone interview. "They may have told one or two white lies in the last 50 or 60 years...but nothing worth noting, at least not to me."

Brokaw, an objective reporter who's been covering politics for decades, said what made the McCain admission so unusual was that he's a Republican. "These guys don't admit anything, like how they want to pollute the air, foul up the drinking water and kill children." Brokaw said. "So, I commend Senator McCain for at least admitting this, that he lied during the campaign in the hopes of reaching those antisocial, depraved right-wing, racist, homophobic radicals."

The subject of this admission was the South Carolina Confederate Flag issue. "We welcome him to the fold." Brokaw said. "As the anchor for NBC, I can't take sides on the issues, of course."

While on the campaign trail, Brokaw explained, McCain latched on to the lame, indefensible position that the people are smart enough to decide such things for themselves. "We all know that the government needs to be involved in our daily lives. Unless you are a journalist, you aren't smart enough to figure things out for yourself. Maybe the people of South Carolina want the flag to stay. Maybe they don't. We can't take that chance. The government needs to make the call. Of course, I'm not weighing in on the issue...we don't have opinions as journalists, that's just another right-wing conspiracy theory."

Brokaw interviewed McCain and featured it in his newscast. "It was not easy for McCain to admit that he was pandering to the worst among us by sticking to the racist conservative line that people ought to decide local issues for themselves." Brokaw said.

The NBC interview featured this sound bite from McCain: "I feared that if I answered honestly, I could not win the South Carolina primary so I chose to compromise my principles. I broke my promise to always tell the truth."

Brokaw asked McCain when the overwhelming urge overtook his perverted conservative ideology. "Senator, when did you decide that you had to set the record straight on the matter of the Confederate flag in South Carolina?"

McCain replied, "Several weeks ago. I'd been sort of ruminating about it for a long time..."

"I interrupted McCain," Brokaw lamented. "I told him to watch his language, this was a family show. I then told McCain if he continued to use guttural language, I'd have Geraldo Rivera conduct the interview and Geraldo would probably physically assault him, kick the $#%& out of him."

That portion of the interview was expertly removed, and his crew spliced around his scolding. "We did some creative editing, we usually do in these types of interviews to get the comments we want." Brokaw admitted he was defensive going into the interview, expecting to get the standard Republican doublespeak out of McCain.

Brokaw, a snarl on his face, hit him hard. "At the time when you gave the answer to the press about the flag in South Carolina, an answer that you acknowledge was not an honest answer, did you go back to your room that night and say, 'McCain, why did I do that?'"

"Yes, I did." McCain admitted. "My staff members were all jumping around the hotel room, champagne flowing, laughing and carrying on about what saps the voters were and how we sure fooled 'em this time...it's right out of the republican handbook - lie, lie, lie - page 38. Anyway, I sat down, my head in my hands, and I said, 'John, you're a better man than this, more liberal. More of a straight shooter like Clinton and Gore...' and I broke into cold sweat because I knew I wasn't upholding my principles..."

Brokaw, a caring, compassionate man, tenderly asked McCain he if he wasn't tempted to fire his political advisors, to at least discuss this issue and get his feelings on the record.

McCain sadly shook his head. "We discussed it, the advisors and I discussed it on several occasions, but they kept yelling at me, calling me a traitor to the Republican cause of racism, homophobia and sexism. I thought at one point they were going to hit me...I've been hit enough in my life, I caved and so, I have to take the responsibility for this, the decision was mine."

Brokaw said he reached out and touched his new friend on the shoulder. Unfortunately, the producer of the newscast insisted that it be cut from the interview which aired. "I love you man. I forgive you. And I think I speak for most journalists when I say, it's about time you woke up and came over to our side."

Not forgetting his journalistic responsibility, Brokaw handed McCain a tissue and then waited patiently for McCain to compose himself before continuing the barrage of tough questioning. "Is there anything else in the campaign you'd like to clear up on this occasion, Senator McCain?"

McCain took a deep breath and said he felt drained. "I think I've done enough true confessions for the day." He wiped his nose with his coat sleeve. "When I feel like I need more publicity, I'll come back and admit more mistakes."

"Thank you very much."

"Thank you, Tom."

Will the trend of Republicans admitting that they are all filthy stinking liars with no principle continue? Time will tell. We know that Tom Brokaw will do his part to lambaste Republicans.

BACK