On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

Jester's World News Exclusive:
Chronicle of a school visit by the only candidate who cares.

by Helen Gurlie Brownschweiger
Objective Journalist

The alarm rang at approximately 7:15 a.m. Vice President Al Gore turned toward his wife, Tipper, snoring softly. Al looked at the clock and sighed. Another day of heavy campaigning awaited him, this time at L'Anse Creuse Middle School North in suburban Detroit. He looked around his suite at the Super 8 along highway 34. He then looked over at his wife, the lovely Tipper, her mouth ajar as she snored softly. He smiled deviously and nudged her abruptly. She woke, looking around, trying to gain her senses.

"Oh, you up to?" Al asked tenderly. "In that case..." He moved closer and began nuzzling her neck. I decided it was time to clear my throat to let them know I was in the room. They were both stunned, I didn't know what to say, so I quickly left.

Hey...when I tell a candidate I'm doing a day in their life, I mean from the time they wake up until they peel off their socks at bedtime.

He wasn't pleased with my being at their bedside when they awoke, and hoped I wasn't offended by his gastrointestinal activities. "On the road, I have to take extra fiber to stay regular. There are side effects..." He said.

That was all the time for small talk we had, as the staffers came from the woodwork. Some carrying forms for him to review, others donuts, and still more shuffling about quickly trying to look busy.

Gore's first stop would be at the junior high school, where he would meet with teachers. In the car, a chauffeur driven Honda Civic, I asked Gore why he chose to include his school stops as part of his campaign? His response was unscripted, immediate. "I care damn it. I care."

The teachers were anxious for Gore's arrival. He shook hands like he'd done it before as he shuffled to the front of the room, taking a front and center position, thanking them all for attending the planned impromptu meeting.

"You know, I have the greatest respect for teachers. I mean that, I'm not just saying that because I hope you'll vote for me or that I hope you'll keep brainwashing these little tikes. When I was a kid growing up in rural Tennessee, I loved school and I was often late because I would have to wake up and plow 20 acres behind old Nellie, our family ox, before being allowed to attend school. I ran all the way, in my bare feet, I just loved school." Gore explained.

"I was lucky, I had great teachers like you all, only it was just a one room rural school house..." tears filled Gore's eyes as he looked to the floor. "I still get a little emotional when I think about it...there is no issue more dear to my heart than education...and if I'm elected, I'm going to fight tooth and toenail to get you all raises!" His comments drew hearty applause.

Gore's next stop was the 8th grade civics class, where he waited patiently for his gaggle of camera men, reporters and staff to set up their equipment. When the camera's were all in place, and after being assured he looked best sitting on the chair without the jacket, one leg propped up giving him a casual guy look, he nodded to the teacher of the class who introduced him.

"Class, today we have a special guest teacher. The Vice President of the United States, Al Gore. He is running for President, and I for one am thankful that we have one candidate who cares about the environment."

Gore thanked Miss Kingston. "What was the industrial revolution and how did that ruin America?" Arms shot up as the students recited Miss Kingston's theories about the evils of capitalism flawlessly.

He pointed to a boy in the back row. "Tell me son, are you ready to die? Unless I'm elected, you and all of the people you love will die. Are you ready?" The boy began to cry as a classmate raised his hand timidly. "I'm not ready to die." He said. "My dad says he supports Bush."

A Gore campaign worker lost his temper, screaming in the boys ear. "Your dad is STUPID!" The boy began to cry hysterically as several other staffers drug the angry Gore campaign worker away.

"If George Bush is elected, you're dead meat." Gore said, smiling as he listened to the sniffles of the crying pupils. "That's how important this election is to the future of America, it's life or death. It's no game."

Gore went on to explain how his opponent, George Bush, is resorting to negative attack ads because he doesn't have any positions of his own. "Take his social security plan...the numbers don't add up. Any one of these kids could stand up at the blackboard and prove that - "

"OK." Miss Kingston said excitedly. "Who wants to add up the numbers for us? Roger?"

"No...I don't think now is a good time - " Gore said.

"It will be fun. Let's prove once and for all that Governor Bush's plan for saving Social Security doesn't add up. Roger, go up to the board. Vice President Gore will give you the numbers..."

"Sit back down Roger, really Miss Kingston, that's OK...there are lots of variables and, I don't think we have time, it's really complicated...but what's not complicated, are his attack ads.....Sit down Roger....Bush doesn't have a leg to stand on. He's a typical right wing radical who's being controlled by the Pat Robertson ultra conservative wing that wants to deny all Americans their basic rights, but I won't play these negative campaigning games...he can say all he wants to about me, we all know that it's his policies that are killing more than a hundred people an hour in Texas...I'm just not going to get into a mud slinging contest."

The bell rang and as the kids all began to stand up, Gore spoke. "Is class over? I was just going to give Roger those social security numbers so you could see that Bush's plan just doesn't add up...oh that's too bad. But you know I'm right or I wouldn't have volunteered like this..." He stood up. "Kids, be sure to tell your folks how the numbers don't add up..."

"Whoo...you handled that one brilliantly Mr. President."  A young staffer said in a low voice.

I questioned this address. "Mr. President?"

"Oh that..." Gore chuckled. "We just want to think positively around here...and I'll tell you, there is so much energy with young people like Wilbur there...he's got a hell of a future."

"Thanks Mr. President."

"What does Wilbur do?"

"Well..." Gore's eyes shifted. "He uh..."

"I do a lot of things." Wilbur said. Gore pointed at him.

"Yes you do. A lot of things." Gore stood up, clapping his hands. "Quick folks, we gotta meet with the Young Psychics of Greater Detroit..."

Meeting after meeting we attended, I believe there were 10 more town hall type meetings with various groups. A gifted orator and masterful politician, Gore was able to alter his campaign promises to make each group feel they were the most important people in the world. His deep thinking and thoughtful preparation was obvious, he had a government program that would help everyone, from cutting telephone rates for the psychics to clean darning needle programs for the Knitting Auxiliary.

He's one of the most interesting men that I've ever met. Fascinating, charming, modest...that's Al Gore.

As a young man, Al Gore joined the Army despite his father's reservations. "I don't want special treatment Dad. I want to join the Green Beret." He said his father was deathly worried, but Al was a stubborn young lad bound and determined to make it on his own.

"I had been raised on a farm, picking and drying cotton, scooping out chicken barns, rasslin' 2 ton steers at branding time...I felt like I was in good enough shape to hack basic training in the Green Berets, so I borrowed dad's old international and went down to the recruiting office. Next Monday morning, I was off to Fort Dix and within 6 weeks was in Vietnam, a member of Bravo Company, Green Berets."

Gore made the rank of Lt. Colonel in just 18 months. He was captured and tortured. "I had every bone in my spine broke, one at a time." He said. "I didn't budge. Some people snap and start spilling their guts...not me. I'm not slamming John McCain here. We all have differing degrees of mental toughness. I'm sure having your arm twisted can be difficult for some to endure, that's not for me to judge. I don't feel like bragging, so, don't put this in your story..."

He returned to America and worked as a journalist. "I guess tenacious probably described me pretty well...I was like the 60 Minutes crew...when people seen me coming...they started shivering in their boots cuz they knew they was in for one hell of a grilling."

He said that exposing crime and corruption wasn't as fulfilling as he'd hoped it be, so he decided to go back to school. "I took a course on computer science, and it was in a lab class one afternoon that I invented the Internet. I sent the plans I'd drawn up to my old drill sergeant, who mailed it to NATO, and the rest is history. If I'd known what I invented, I might be a lot richer today. The military takes credit for inventing it, which is OK by me...again, these are things I like to keep private, I don't need a lot of publicity...I'm sure you understand."

This humility must be what made Tipper fall head over heals in love with him. In fact, it was their romance that became the plot for the hugely successful novel, and later a movie of the same name, Love Story. "The author denies it, I guess he's worried about royalties or something...but it's true. That book is about Tipper and me."

He turned to politics for fulfillment. There, Gore continued his quest for justice. He single-handedly exposed the toxic murders known as Love Canal. "I was just a young Senator, still, I was able to find myself Chairing several committees, which was really amazing since it was a republican controlled senate and I stood against everything they stood for...I was pro-choice, anti-tobacco, for free speech, for civil rights, for women's rights...I was a real radical in their eyes...but they respected me because I was able to rise above it all and bring people together. Anyway, despite continued filibustering by the republican led congress, I was able to bring Love Canal to the public's attention."

His family is full of great Americans. His sister was the first volunteer ever in the Peace Corps. She was also the first women to scale Mount Everest, and did it with just one leg. "Back in those days, they didn't use guide ropes either. Quite a feat for a quadruped."

Just as he finished the story, his chauffeur driven Honda Civic came to a stop on the gravel driveway just outside his hotel room door at the Super 8. "We're flying out of town in about 45 minutes. I have to go in and finish packing...so...I guess I'd like to thank you for your time."  Gore said.

We shook hands and as I watched him fumble with the key to the door, I couldn't help thinking that this was the man who should be leading this country into the new millennium. A man of the people.

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