On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

by Karla Marx

Government scientists say Earth's climate is warming more rapidly than ever, and their new report suggests that the consequences of global warming could turn out to be worse and more sudden -- than previously expected.

Tom Karl, a climatologist with the nonpartisan Earth First Atmospheric Administration, told the Los Angeles Times that in the last 60 days alone, the temperature has steadily increased. He downplays the affects of seasonal change.

"No...it's more than that. We're going to die. I need to get a million dollar grant so I can spend a year or so in Hawaii on the beach studying the effects of this drastic climate change on scantily clad surfer girls."

An analysis of historical and geological records indicates that the planet warms and cools in unpredictable cycles, but Karl says this cycle is even more unpredictable than the usual unpredictable cycles, which means just one thing - disaster.

"When the temperatures drops, it's just a side effect of global warming. When the temperature rises, again, it can be traced to global warming. If the temperature remains the same, it's a trend that illustrates the complexities of global warming." He explained. "It could lead to violent global storms, catastrophic ice formations, even asteroids striking the earth, bringing about a nuclear winter."

The analysis will be published in the June 1 issue of the journal of nonpartisan Earth First Environmental Research Council Newsletter. Karl hopes that his article, entitled, "We're All Going to Die Thanks to Evil Republican Capitalists" opens some eyes before it's too late.

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