On the Cutting Edge of Societal Satire

An 11-year-old boy has been charged with felonious assault after he allegedly threw a small carrot stick that hit his middle school teacher in the eye. The boy was being held in the Wayne County Juvenile Detention Facility, charged with assault with a dangerous weapon. If convicted, he could face a variety of penalties, including time in a boys training school.

"Many people have underestimated the dangers of those baby carrots, as they're called." A police spokesman said. "They are built for optimum speed, just like a bullet."

School board officials stood firmly behind the decision to file charges against the boy, and said that vegetables have been used in a number of gang related incidents in the cafeteria. School board President Willard Krebs said one boy was taken to the emergency room following one such instance.

"A gang member took a chunk of celery, held it to another boys throat and demanded his lunch money." Krebs said. "Then when the boy turned over his money, the thug crammed the celery stalk in the boys ear anyway. We're thinking of banning vegetables from the lunch room."

BACK